I am hanging curtain rods in my living room right now. Its dark outside. And its light inside, so when I looked at the window pane itself I caught a glimpse of my reflection. This happened to me earlier today when I was riding my bike up fourth street and I saw myself in the windows of the shops while coming home from Bella Rose where I had lunch with Chris.
I startled myself just now because I look like a young man. Not like when your mom or grandma calls you a young man. Just, I look like a man. I look like a man who is young. I am a young, married, employed, land-owning, triathlete of a man.
And I do things like mow the lawn, and... hang curtain rods.
It might sound weird to you, but it feels weird to me. I don't feel 24 at all. I feel, like, I dunno.
Younger.
Just younger. And its not that I mind being 24. I guess I'm just afraid that I ought to be more mature -more wise- than I estimate I probably am. I wonder if I am on the right track in life?
I think I am, in terms of, well, I went to the right school (still need to finish though), married the right woman, I am living where God told me to, I am going to the church God told me to... but what about the details though? Am I a praying man? Do I love my wife like I ought to? Am I serving other people - living my life for the sake of others? Does my life illustrate Hope? Is my faith strong, and its content accurate?
Do I work hard enough?
God, please grant me substantial and rapid growth in wisdom and courage and passion.
Amen.
I startled myself just now because I look like a young man. Not like when your mom or grandma calls you a young man. Just, I look like a man. I look like a man who is young. I am a young, married, employed, land-owning, triathlete of a man.
And I do things like mow the lawn, and... hang curtain rods.
It might sound weird to you, but it feels weird to me. I don't feel 24 at all. I feel, like, I dunno.
Younger.
Just younger. And its not that I mind being 24. I guess I'm just afraid that I ought to be more mature -more wise- than I estimate I probably am. I wonder if I am on the right track in life?
I think I am, in terms of, well, I went to the right school (still need to finish though), married the right woman, I am living where God told me to, I am going to the church God told me to... but what about the details though? Am I a praying man? Do I love my wife like I ought to? Am I serving other people - living my life for the sake of others? Does my life illustrate Hope? Is my faith strong, and its content accurate?
Do I work hard enough?
God, please grant me substantial and rapid growth in wisdom and courage and passion.
Amen.
I understand exactly how you feel. I come across my reflection at times and see myself in the same light. a quarter of a century old feels this way. I think this is what spawns these quarter-life crises we hear about in our generation.
ReplyDeleteI bet this sort of thing comes from our culture losing rites-of-passage ceremonies that we may view as dumb or outdated. Who told you that you were a man? Nobody. Who should have told you? Your father. Who should have taught him to do that? His father. It goes on and on. America just doesn't understand that these rites of passage are necessary somewhere in our psyche. I think we begin to doubt that we've actually come as far as we have because somewhere deep inside, we're longing for our fathers to affirm us; to tell us that we are indeed men. That's something we can't truly affirm in each other or for ourselves, because we know it doesn't count coming from our peers.
Interesting. I'm right there with you bro...
This is a post about which I have positive emotions.
ReplyDelete